Mind purge

I'm sharing/purging now...so prepare. Usually, I wait till God has worked out what He is doing at that stage in my life, but right now, I want to pour it out even as it is raw, and describe the emotions just as they are. It's a bit of a roller coaster, so prepare.

P.s.: It may just be a bit incoherent, but I'm sure some of you have felt like this before, or you may even be in this place now.

P.s.s.: Linda Ikeji, thanks for the thumbs up, it feels good, lol. But honestly, it does!



I want you.
I have never wanted anyone like this.
Never felt almost possessive, it is scary.
But I still want you,
More than anything else,
I just do not want the pain, the torture, the mental weaning that comes with self-sacrificing.

You require self-sacrifice, and I understand now that you do not just demand it from me just because,
but because you love me so much, you desire truth in my inward parts.
You said if my heart is wise, your heart would rejoice.
You said I should apply my heart to your instruction, and not stay resolute and harden my heart.
And you know what, I want to.

As I think about it, as I meditate on the Truth, on Life from your perspective, on your desires, I want to apply the whole of my heart to it. To live in it and to just BE in it.
But it is difficult!

It is difficult to remain quiet when they just don't understand and it hurts.
Not just because of what they say, but because of who they are to me. It hurts.

It is difficult to trust You and rest when I want to cry instead, and there's a voice telling me to give up and stick with what I know. It is difficult to ignore it even though I know it's the liar. How do I act like I never heard it in the first place? Like I didn't feel that way? It is difficult!

It is difficult to pour out my affections on You constantly, and to set my love on you, when I also have other interests. Though, they are momentarily, I cannot deny I did not want to go back into the, for the lack of a better word, game.

It is difficult.
It is difficult to deny the old man, the old creature, my flesh, it's desires.

Then you tell me to trust you, and not myself.
Not my "strategizing", not my willpower, but You.

Lord, I have never, ever trusted anyone with ALL of my heart before.
Just how do I begin?
What do I think?
My mind has a mind of its own, you know.
Really, just where do I start?

Then you tell me all you want is for me to be willing.
You share with me even more secrets and my heart clenches violently within.
A piercing scream is held restrained on the inside, in my innermost parts.
I want you, but the pain...

And I realize, I have not seen nothing yet.
But You are not oblivious, and I am not alone.
You have assured me of causing me to triumph in all things,
and You fill me with Peace, Your Peace, Your kind of Peace, in the midst of it all.

There is still a general sense of sadness, soberness, anticipation...it's peaceful, it's calm, yet...

But I LOVE You still, and I STILL want to be with you always.
Draw me closer Daddy.