Who am I?

I was sitting at my desk, completely unmotivated to study for a major professional exam I am studying for. And last night, I told God I feel completely unmotivated to continue with Him as I have been doing. I wondered if there is something wrong somewhere with the way I was serving God, I wondered if Grace means doing absolutely nothing and just eating the Word till the Spirit moves over it and causes a change within, I wondered if I just do not know what I am doing. And in the midst of it all, the consciousness of my sinful nature was front and center in my mind. And I just felt unmotivated about everything else in my life. If I can't get this right, then what am I living for? Without God I am nobody; if I can't honor Him with my life, if my heart is divided, what am I living for? How different am I from the hypocrites in the Church of God, His very own Bride?

As I sat in my dad's study, this line came to my mind: "Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him.” 1 Kings 19:18

I did a quick google search, got on bible gateway and found out what chapter and verse in the bible that came from. I need to quickly mention, among other thoughts that came to my mind, it was highlighted in my mind the context in which God said this to Elijah - one of the most difficult and lowest of lows in his life, and not only that, that that was the birthing of Elisha's ministry. He was one of the greatest national prophets in Israel since Moses.

Within that same second, or maybe seconds, (it's interesting how fast our thoughts form), I remembered a verse I read last night or the night before. The verse jumped right out to me and softened my heart. It said "Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and [that] your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you." John 15:16.

Reading the passages prior to this verse about remaining tied to the vine, remaining in God's Love that my joy may be full and obeying him over the last couple of days, maybe weeks, had caused me to be stressed out. I felt as though I really can't do this, not because I don't want to, but because my heart has little to no desire to absolutely, without any iota of a doubt, completely and fully obey God. It is difficult.

There's drama and sources of drama front, right and center. There's sources of conflicts within me, professional motivations that border and constantly fall into a place of lust and love of this world. There's thorns left right and center to choke out the Word within, there's people who take pleasure in putting down others to make themselves look good (and you have to LOVE them with absolutely no pretense, knowing they are emotional vultures). There's all kinds of things running through one's mind; past regrets, past hurts, frustrations, anger, malice, covetousness. But somehow somehow, God is not changing His stance (lol) and still says "be ye holy as I am holy", "as dear children, imitate your Father". Really??? Can I give in today and continue tomorrow? Can I just chill?! Can I just be upset because I want to be and not mask the true feelings within? Can I accept a call from him or him or him, knowing fully well he would try to steer me in a direction I know isn't yet in God's plan for me? Can I just be?

But in all these, I forgot that I did not choose Him, but He chose me from the very foundations of the earth to be a partaker of His divine glory. And He looks at me in the eyeball and says "who says I cannot be like Him??? He ORDAINED me already to go out and bear much fruit and that my fruit should REMAIN. Definitely not those Sunday afternoons church highs. No, like a tree planted by a river of water, my fruit shall remain all season. Not because of any spiritual prowess I may have (some people think like this - this is nothing but the same quality within lucifer that led him against God), not because of my will power, and definitely not because I find any good within myself that will make me work out God's will - the flesh cannot glory in His Presence. But because He ORDAINED me. This tells me there is a lot about Grace I really do not know.

And like that passage in the 1 Kings, even though it may seem really difficult and impossible to remain in God's will, there are many thousands, and in our time, definitely millions, who have not bowed their knee to the god of this age, nor kissed him with their mouth.

So as Peter charged the Church I charge you all, and myself especially, to be humbled by God's power so that when the right time comes he will honor you. Turning all your anxiety over to God because he cares for you. Keep your mind clear, and be alert. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion as he looks for someone to devour. Be firm in the faith and resist him, knowing that other believers throughout the world are going through the same kind of suffering. But God, who shows you his kindness/mercy/grace and who has called you through Christ Jesus to his eternal glory, will restore you, strengthen you, make you strong, and support you as you suffer for a little while. Power belongs to him forever. Amen. (1 Peter 5:6-11)

I am not alone; there are others in this world who will not worship nor serve any other but the LORD GOD in Spirit and in truth. But above all, I have JEHOVAH with me, not by my choosing, but out of His own self-will, he has chosen me. It is His Spirit working in me that would mold me into His image and not my will power, not "my righteousness". My Righteousness is of God and my witness is on high. (Gosh! I have tears in my eyes!!!)