Saturday, November 27, 2010

Who am I?

I was sitting at my desk, completely unmotivated to study for a major professional exam I am studying for. And last night, I told God I feel completely unmotivated to continue with Him as I have been doing. I wondered if there is something wrong somewhere with the way I was serving God, I wondered if Grace means doing absolutely nothing and just eating the Word till the Spirit moves over it and causes a change within, I wondered if I just do not know what I am doing. And in the midst of it all, the consciousness of my sinful nature was front and center in my mind. And I just felt unmotivated about everything else in my life. If I can't get this right, then what am I living for? Without God I am nobody; if I can't honor Him with my life, if my heart is divided, what am I living for? How different am I from the hypocrites in the Church of God, His very own Bride?

As I sat in my dad's study, this line came to my mind: "Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him.” 1 Kings 19:18

I did a quick google search, got on bible gateway and found out what chapter and verse in the bible that came from. I need to quickly mention, among other thoughts that came to my mind, it was highlighted in my mind the context in which God said this to Elijah - one of the most difficult and lowest of lows in his life, and not only that, that that was the birthing of Elisha's ministry. He was one of the greatest national prophets in Israel since Moses.

Within that same second, or maybe seconds, (it's interesting how fast our thoughts form), I remembered a verse I read last night or the night before. The verse jumped right out to me and softened my heart. It said "Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and [that] your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you." John 15:16.

Reading the passages prior to this verse about remaining tied to the vine, remaining in God's Love that my joy may be full and obeying him over the last couple of days, maybe weeks, had caused me to be stressed out. I felt as though I really can't do this, not because I don't want to, but because my heart has little to no desire to absolutely, without any iota of a doubt, completely and fully obey God. It is difficult.

There's drama and sources of drama front, right and center. There's sources of conflicts within me, professional motivations that border and constantly fall into a place of lust and love of this world. There's thorns left right and center to choke out the Word within, there's people who take pleasure in putting down others to make themselves look good (and you have to LOVE them with absolutely no pretense, knowing they are emotional vultures). There's all kinds of things running through one's mind; past regrets, past hurts, frustrations, anger, malice, covetousness. But somehow somehow, God is not changing His stance (lol) and still says "be ye holy as I am holy", "as dear children, imitate your Father". Really??? Can I give in today and continue tomorrow? Can I just chill?! Can I just be upset because I want to be and not mask the true feelings within? Can I accept a call from him or him or him, knowing fully well he would try to steer me in a direction I know isn't yet in God's plan for me? Can I just be?

But in all these, I forgot that I did not choose Him, but He chose me from the very foundations of the earth to be a partaker of His divine glory. And He looks at me in the eyeball and says "who says I cannot be like Him??? He ORDAINED me already to go out and bear much fruit and that my fruit should REMAIN. Definitely not those Sunday afternoons church highs. No, like a tree planted by a river of water, my fruit shall remain all season. Not because of any spiritual prowess I may have (some people think like this - this is nothing but the same quality within lucifer that led him against God), not because of my will power, and definitely not because I find any good within myself that will make me work out God's will - the flesh cannot glory in His Presence. But because He ORDAINED me. This tells me there is a lot about Grace I really do not know.

And like that passage in the 1 Kings, even though it may seem really difficult and impossible to remain in God's will, there are many thousands, and in our time, definitely millions, who have not bowed their knee to the god of this age, nor kissed him with their mouth.

So as Peter charged the Church I charge you all, and myself especially, to be humbled by God's power so that when the right time comes he will honor you. Turning all your anxiety over to God because he cares for you. Keep your mind clear, and be alert. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion as he looks for someone to devour. Be firm in the faith and resist him, knowing that other believers throughout the world are going through the same kind of suffering. But God, who shows you his kindness/mercy/grace and who has called you through Christ Jesus to his eternal glory, will restore you, strengthen you, make you strong, and support you as you suffer for a little while. Power belongs to him forever. Amen. (1 Peter 5:6-11)

I am not alone; there are others in this world who will not worship nor serve any other but the LORD GOD in Spirit and in truth. But above all, I have JEHOVAH with me, not by my choosing, but out of His own self-will, he has chosen me. It is His Spirit working in me that would mold me into His image and not my will power, not "my righteousness". My Righteousness is of God and my witness is on high. (Gosh! I have tears in my eyes!!!)


  1. The title of your blog drew me to you. God's grace is more than sufficient for you. I have not had the time to sit and read your blog but i will do so ASAP and let you know what I think. I'm sure I will love it!

    Wipe your tears, His yoke is easy and His burden is light and most of all, His grace is sufficient.

  2. Yes Yes! you are not alone. We are the remnant!
    and we will keep pressing on!
    Great Blog. I feel your heart.
    A friend was wrote, I long for Jesus so much i feel my heart will break. You remind me of that.
    Keep going!

  3. i am encouraged.. got a smile on my face.. and the words will linger, longer than the smile i know..

  4. nice blog... have a view of my blog when free.. .. do leave me some comment / guide if can.. if interested can follow my blog...

  5. Aww thanks a lot guys! I am so encouraged!

  6. Great post,

    so many believers are experiencing Spiritual Identity Theft because we do not know who we are.

    I was watching the film "Omen" i can't remember if it was 1 or 2. But Damien as a boy asked his (evil)protectors in his school who he was and they told him to look in the Bible. I was SHOCKED, that even the devil tells his own to look in the Bible to find out who they are. After Damien, looked in the Bible, (I think-Revelation) he realised he was marked in his head as well.

    We as believers claim to read the Bible and really truly understand what it means to bear the marks of Christ. It is a powerful call.

    It wasn't easy for Jesus to accept the call on his life but he took it day by day. And thats what we have to do. God knows us and loves us more than we can ever understand.

    No matter what may come our way in life's trials and tests; if we just try to take this Christian walk day by day-we will be able to run the course with great testimonies.

    We would love to hear from you. Visit us at

  7. Definitely, our call is our identity. It is powerful! I am learning day by day, that I am not my own, I am soooo not my own. I was made for God's glory, to show forth His praise. That helps me take my hands off and let God be God. Then I walk out His purposes for my life without being sidelined by distractions and temptations.

    Thanks for stopping by, I would most definitely pay your blogs a visit.

  8. Sister, when I saw this blog on temiville's , i said to myself, this is me, because this Christian just most times look like a long stretch road and most times am so desperate looking for meaning, and ask repeatedly why is that am the only one going through so many challeges and temptations , reading this reaffirms God's word that am not alone in this journey , thank you for writing this.

  9. Hello Rehab Memoirs,

    Thank God for helping me write this! Yep, the journey gets like that sometimes. Sometimes, when it get tough, I come back to my blog and read what I wrote...revelation doesn't stop.

    God loves us and as a friend on my fb pointed out, He knew everything about us when He first called us and loves us just the same - back then, and right now!

    Dang, I love my Abba!!!

    p.s.: thanks for stopping by